chinese people & mexicans that forget to put lasso's in bags suck

yesterday morning i rode the train to work like i do everyday. on the red line, i sat in the only open seat next to what i thought was a lovely chinese woman in her mid 30's. i noticed she had one of those ear pieces for her cell phone, then whammoooo bitch started screaming at someone on the other end. now i don't know if they were discussing the latest recipe for fortune cookies or which karate kid movie was far superior but obviously whatever it was needed to be screamed in chinese to the other slanty eyed fool on the other end of the call. 

so at howard i got off, now without any hearing in my left ear, to switch trains. i was expecting this to be a much more peaceful experience. nope. purple line was packed and standing room only. so i stood next to this chinese girl who probably goes to northwestern. not even 1 minute into the train ride, the bitch sneezes and doesn't cover her mouth and i got sprayed down w/ germs all over my shirt. not exactly the start of my morning i was looking for. 

so anyways i perceviered and got through my day strictly with the thought that at night i was going to one of the western wear stores in chicago and purchasing the rest of my halloween costume. this year's group costume is the village people and i'm going as "randy the cowboy". my goal was to look exactly like this...

so 2 hours & $200 later, i had the perfect costume. almost. i couldn't fit into the chaps, but i did find an amazing lasso, or so i thought. come to find out that the mexican lady who i probably filled her sales quota with last night, forgot to put the lasso into the bag. so i'll have to find another one when i get into columbia along with the mustache (since i can't grow facial hair). 

we're also not going to eat at miyabi's, not because of my disdain for asians, but because we don't want everyone being boring on friday night and overflowing with white sauce. 

i should floss more

ever since i was a little kid i've had problems with my teeth. it started when i was in elementary school. after my baby teeth started to fall out, one of my front teeth was just missing. i mean i looked like this...

so when i was in 3rd grade, i went to the orthodontist and got braces. yep, i don't know if you know many elementary school kids that wear braces, but i didn't. so until about the 10th grade, i had a mouth full of metal and got used to going to the dentist and orthodontist every 6 months. 

the one thing i do know is my parents had dental insurance. now, i don't know how much dental insurance costs to get, but i know my work doesn't offer it because apparently it's expensive. but let me just tell you how much my childhood mouth deformities would have likely cost my parents without dental insurance. well, i don't know the number, but i'm pretty sure we would have had to apply for welfare and i'd probably learning to drive a semi truck right now with my GED education, and a fondness for pimento beans. 

but alas, my teeth got fixed and my parents didn't have to mortgage our home. well since i haven't really lived at home since college, my visits to the dentist have been infrequent to say the least. i think my last visit was 3 years ago when they told me i needed a root canal, so you can imagine that last week when i went back to the dentist because i was unable to eat a bowl of froot loops without feeling like i was stabbing my teeth with a sword, i was a little nervous. 

but i woke up at 9 am and went to the closest dentist office to my house and sucked it up. i knew i'd have at least 2 cavities, but wasn't expecting to hear that i had four. i also wasn't expecting to see a bill for $1,700, but um yea it was there. so now i understand why my dentist can afford to have 5 mexican receptionists working in the front room that's no bigger than my living room. 

well after this week, i'm two fillings down, two more to go. i felt like a bells palsey victim from all the novocaine, and now i'm not even allowed to go a day without flossing, and jolly ranchers are strictly prohibited. i kinda feel like an old person with high blood pressure, you know you're gonna die eventually you just hope your medical bills don't go up so that you have to turn off the heat. 

I'm allergic to rednecks

you know those people who go 30 years without getting chicken pox and then all of a sudden are scratching the shit out of themselves & rubbing calamine lotion all over their butt, well that's how i feel right now. 

growing up in the south you are constantly surrounded by trailer parks, people who feel the waffle house is swankier than the olive garden cuz they love them scattered fucking 'browns with them little pickles on the side, and individuals who were conceived while their parents were fucking on a bed of a pickup truck to a skynyrd song. let's just say i've been surrounded by those people for a greater part of my youth. 

when i moved to chicago, i was not expected to be around such white trash. well that was until i went to the chicago country music festival this weekend, and by doing so i learned that i am no longer immune and in fact am allergic to rednecks. 

you see i carry this undying love for taylor swift. i think her butt smells of paprika, her teeth are perfectly aligned, and the odds of her bearing a child w/ down syndrome is very slight. so when i found out she was playing i knew where i would be the second weekend of october. 

upon arriving, i was surrounded by more jean shorts, nascar shirts, and skoal cans then i had seen in a long time. part of it made me feel at home, another part made me scared that i was going to find a black guy strung up next to the american flag @ soldier's field, but no part of me though - hmmm the stinch of these motherfuckers is going to give me sars. 

yep, that's right i think i have sars, or the flu, or some disease that andy dick gives to the hooker he fucks with a wet fish after he bites her ears off. 

the amount of snot that has come out of my nose could fill up a 2 liter dr. pepper bottle and my throat hurts the same as jenna jameson's after a long days shoot. so i give up. 

fuck your laso's, fuck your shirts with timberwolves on them, and fuck your teeth that should have had braces but your daddy was too busy buying you them tickets to the race that dale earnhardt ran into that wall and killed his ass. i want to stop looking at my boogers, i want my ears to not feel like they have water in them, and i want to stop drinking dayquil because its nasty. so unless taylor swift is going to sit on my face in the next um 23 minutes, then fuck off rednecks. 

My pee smells like pork and I'm OK with that

Tonight, on the holiest day of the year for Jews, I ate a pulled pork sandwich. 

Luckily for me, I am not Jewish. Not that Jews are bad people, but I have a hard time trusting a religion that tells me "hey don't eat pig because it's unholy". Fuck you rabi, I will eat my ribs, sandwich, or bacon whenever I want and if that sends me to hell - sign my ass up. 

Now let me clear this up. My rant is not about Jewish people and their lack of love for the hog. People do crazy things in the name of religion and I get that. Jonah sat inside the belly of a whale, Ghandi didn't eat food for days, and mormon women wear those goofy looking panties. But why single out the pig? 

So I'm going to make a little proclamation of my own. FUCK LETTUCE! That's right, lettuce is fucking pointless and serves no general purpose in society. 

Let me be the first to vow to not eat lettuce. That's something I can give up completely and stand firmly behind. Who will miss the taste of crunchy water that is only edible when you cover it with caesar dressing and croutons? Not me. 

I'll eat my pork, and become obese and eventually die of a heart attack. That's better than living until your 96 with arthritis and eating salads for lunch so that the hot cashier at Whole Foods will want to suck your dick. Pssh that bitch makes $5.65 an hour, who needs that.