I'm allergic to rednecks

you know those people who go 30 years without getting chicken pox and then all of a sudden are scratching the shit out of themselves & rubbing calamine lotion all over their butt, well that's how i feel right now. 

growing up in the south you are constantly surrounded by trailer parks, people who feel the waffle house is swankier than the olive garden cuz they love them scattered fucking 'browns with them little pickles on the side, and individuals who were conceived while their parents were fucking on a bed of a pickup truck to a skynyrd song. let's just say i've been surrounded by those people for a greater part of my youth. 

when i moved to chicago, i was not expected to be around such white trash. well that was until i went to the chicago country music festival this weekend, and by doing so i learned that i am no longer immune and in fact am allergic to rednecks. 

you see i carry this undying love for taylor swift. i think her butt smells of paprika, her teeth are perfectly aligned, and the odds of her bearing a child w/ down syndrome is very slight. so when i found out she was playing i knew where i would be the second weekend of october. 

upon arriving, i was surrounded by more jean shorts, nascar shirts, and skoal cans then i had seen in a long time. part of it made me feel at home, another part made me scared that i was going to find a black guy strung up next to the american flag @ soldier's field, but no part of me though - hmmm the stinch of these motherfuckers is going to give me sars. 

yep, that's right i think i have sars, or the flu, or some disease that andy dick gives to the hooker he fucks with a wet fish after he bites her ears off. 

the amount of snot that has come out of my nose could fill up a 2 liter dr. pepper bottle and my throat hurts the same as jenna jameson's after a long days shoot. so i give up. 

fuck your laso's, fuck your shirts with timberwolves on them, and fuck your teeth that should have had braces but your daddy was too busy buying you them tickets to the race that dale earnhardt ran into that wall and killed his ass. i want to stop looking at my boogers, i want my ears to not feel like they have water in them, and i want to stop drinking dayquil because its nasty. so unless taylor swift is going to sit on my face in the next um 23 minutes, then fuck off rednecks.